Christ....

Well I can't rant to facebook obviously, and the few friends I can rant to have probably already heard this before/are sick of listening to me, and I don't want to rant to tumblr again because... well, because people I know personally are on tumblr, and if they saw another rant like this, they'd probably either just drop me completely or roll their eyes and continue scrolling down their dash.

Fucking christ.

I don't get it. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, telling my closest friends, the ones I actually care about, to not poof off when I feel like I'm disappearing from others' lives, and I can't tell if it's my fault or theirs. I want to keep a few people, just a few, close to me. Everyone else is floating in and out of my life. It's fucking insane. I feel like the more I invest in someone, the less I get back, save for a select few people. Like half of these people at college, their all fakes. They don't give a rat's ass if i died tonight or tomorrow or next week or in 80 years. They don't care how I feel, or any shit like that. Sure, it was almost nice for the first week. Now it's getting old.
I'm trying not to fuck up, I really am. And my old friends, the ones that I feel distanced from... well, if they want to drop me so badly, then let them. I can't force them to be friends with me, nor do I want people pretending to be my friend because they feel bad for me or something. I can try to hold myself up. I just don't want to fuck up the remaining friendships I have, they're all I have left. Family has gone to shit, homelife has gone to shit, college is shit, life is shit.